Jun 15 • Regina Lowe
Three Steps to Becoming Gracious
I know, I know. Being gracious is not really an early 21st century term, or perhaps even desirable or stylish. Although a recent viral TikTok made by @joolieannie made being “demure” an everyday word! So, you never know.
But I have to say that if grace is a spiritual characteristic, it’s always in season, desirable, and stylish! Or at least it should be.
In the last issue, we explored God’s grace and how we should be experiencing it in our lives. We defined it and explored its importance. We acknowledged that there are some challenges to receiving God’s grace. And finally, how we can continue to grow in receiving more of God’s abundant grace in our lives.
This post continues the conversation of grace by now focusing on our own human development and 3 steps to becoming gracious.
Oh, and by the way, by becoming gracious, I mean being kind, courteous, and compassionate!
In the last issue, we explored God’s grace and how we should be experiencing it in our lives. We defined it and explored its importance. We acknowledged that there are some challenges to receiving God’s grace. And finally, how we can continue to grow in receiving more of God’s abundant grace in our lives.
This post continues the conversation of grace by now focusing on our own human development and 3 steps to becoming gracious.
Oh, and by the way, by becoming gracious, I mean being kind, courteous, and compassionate!
Three Points of Graciousness
Before we get to the three steps of becoming gracious, there are three quick points of graciousness we need to cover. They are: it’s a requirement, it’s a risk, and it’s a reward.
It's a Requirement
Being gracious is a requirement. I’m pretty sure that most of us, especially adults, don’t like hearing that something is a requirement. There’s an almost instant rebellion! Regardless, being gracious is a requirement for us!
Matthew 10:8 - "Freely you have received, freely give."
And, we just learned in the last issue that God’s grace is free and given to all of us!! We can’t earn it, buy it, or bargain for it. That means since we have freely received God’s grace, we’re required to freely give grace to others. And we can’t expect them to earn, buy, or bargain for our grace. Yikes!
That's uncomfortably counter-cultural and feels very vulnerable. Giving grace to someone freely without any expectation of them doing something to earn it? That feels risk.
Matthew 10:8 - "Freely you have received, freely give."
And, we just learned in the last issue that God’s grace is free and given to all of us!! We can’t earn it, buy it, or bargain for it. That means since we have freely received God’s grace, we’re required to freely give grace to others. And we can’t expect them to earn, buy, or bargain for our grace. Yikes!
That's uncomfortably counter-cultural and feels very vulnerable. Giving grace to someone freely without any expectation of them doing something to earn it? That feels risk.
It's a Risk
Which brings me to the second point of graciousness - it’s risky. It’s risky because of resistance. There are both internal and external risks to being gracious.
Internally, the brain wants to protect us from anything that might cause harm. And how many of us have had someone respond with meanness to our kindness? We’ve experienced people taking advantage of us when we’ve been gracious. And, we can even be downright dismissed as being weak or ‘not strong enough’. When we experience those pains, the brain processes, and remembers, the emotional pain and tells us not to do it again!
Additionally, any state of vulnerability is risky to the brain. It takes a level of personal risk to be gracious. And our brains want to protect us from that vulnerability by resisting the act of being gracious.
Externally, we have resistance towards being gracious because we may have been raised in an ungracious or even cruel environment. So living as a gracious person can seem to be foreign or wrong. And certainly, our society, with the prevalence of cyber-bullying, entitlement, and political turmoil can cause us to live behind an ungracious barrier for protection!
Being ungracious becomes a state of self-protection. And we begin to (wrongly) believe that being gracious is allowing ourselves to be thrown to the wolves!
Internally, the brain wants to protect us from anything that might cause harm. And how many of us have had someone respond with meanness to our kindness? We’ve experienced people taking advantage of us when we’ve been gracious. And, we can even be downright dismissed as being weak or ‘not strong enough’. When we experience those pains, the brain processes, and remembers, the emotional pain and tells us not to do it again!
Additionally, any state of vulnerability is risky to the brain. It takes a level of personal risk to be gracious. And our brains want to protect us from that vulnerability by resisting the act of being gracious.
Externally, we have resistance towards being gracious because we may have been raised in an ungracious or even cruel environment. So living as a gracious person can seem to be foreign or wrong. And certainly, our society, with the prevalence of cyber-bullying, entitlement, and political turmoil can cause us to live behind an ungracious barrier for protection!
Being ungracious becomes a state of self-protection. And we begin to (wrongly) believe that being gracious is allowing ourselves to be thrown to the wolves!
It's a Reward
But thankfully, there’s the third point of graciousness is that it’s a reward. Truthfully, when we lean into the requirement and risk of being gracious, we’ll receive a great reward!
Even though we may experience some hurts and bruises along the way, we’ll realize more love than pain if we persist. Being gracious will ultimately attract gracious people into our lives, and we’ll in turn receive even more of it.
And, as we become more and more gracious, we’ll begin to have a positive impact on others around us. Maybe not right away. Maybe we won’t see a cruel person become kind. But, our gracious interactions will plant seeds that will have a positive impact somewhere in the future.
Even though we may experience some hurts and bruises along the way, we’ll realize more love than pain if we persist. Being gracious will ultimately attract gracious people into our lives, and we’ll in turn receive even more of it.
And, as we become more and more gracious, we’ll begin to have a positive impact on others around us. Maybe not right away. Maybe we won’t see a cruel person become kind. But, our gracious interactions will plant seeds that will have a positive impact somewhere in the future.
Three Steps to Becoming Gracious
Now that we understand the requirement, risks, and rewards of being gracious, let’s take a look at the three steps to becoming gracious.
1. Recognize grace in your life.
It’s important to understand what you’ve been freely given and how you see it in your life. Spend a week, or more, intentionally writing down how you’re seeing God’s grace show up for you on a daily basis. Think big and small! If this is a struggle, don’t feel bad. But don’t stop there. Find a trusted friend, therapist, coach, or pastor to unpack this with.
2. Reflect on your current level of graciousness.
Take time to journal (verbal or written) about how you’ve seen yourself be gracious. Do it for the same amount of time as you did step 1. Here are some prompts to help you:
- How was I courteous (polite, respectful, or considerate) today?
- How was I kind today? How was I compassionate (feeling or showing sympathy and concern for others) today?
- To what level was it easy for me to be gracious?
- To what level was it difficult for me to be gracious?
- How did I resist being gracious? What caused it?
3. Resolve to become more gracious.
Now that you understand the grace you’ve been freely given, and the extent to which you’re freely given it, it’s time to resolve to become more gracious. Identify one to two ways in which you will intentionally take steps to become more gracious over the next 21 days.
As a point of caution, don’t forget about resistance! Try to find ways that will be relatively easy with intention. And don’t say you’ll do it too often, or perfectly. If you find yourself becoming anxious, fearful, angry, or any other negative feeling, it’s likely that your brain is feeling a certain level of risk. Take a step back, make it easier, and talk with someone about it! You can continue to build up as it becomes easier and feels less risky to you.
If it’s helpful, download this 21 Days to Becoming Gracious guide to help you walk through the steps above.
May your life be guided by grace.
As a point of caution, don’t forget about resistance! Try to find ways that will be relatively easy with intention. And don’t say you’ll do it too often, or perfectly. If you find yourself becoming anxious, fearful, angry, or any other negative feeling, it’s likely that your brain is feeling a certain level of risk. Take a step back, make it easier, and talk with someone about it! You can continue to build up as it becomes easier and feels less risky to you.
If it’s helpful, download this 21 Days to Becoming Gracious guide to help you walk through the steps above.
May your life be guided by grace.
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